Liberation is fulfilling even if its for one night. To feel like you have nothing to worry about is like being weightless and free. Liberating. You stand and watch people around you and that’s all that you have- the moment; the present. You feel the lightness in your head and the tingling in your fingers. The pleasure of that feeling is hard to explain- especially when it’s very rare that you experience something like that. You almost want to put it in a tight jar and keep it on your bedsde table as a keep sake. You might also want to able to open the jar whenever you want and use what’s inside it. You might realize with time that you have the power to capture it from all around you- you realize that it never really leaves you; it’s just transparent and intangible unless you make an effort to find it. You can either watch from behind a glass divider or take whatever you can get, whenever you want. I stood there last night capturing the ambience. I was good. I was light. You weren’t there and it made me feel free. I want to have more of those but I want it to be able to come to me as I please.

You have the liberty to access liberation. So do I.

Puzzled Musing

Moving forward, walking fast

look back if I care; dare me to care
tragedy at my feet, crazy retreat
heaven’s gates too near 
hell too tempting to ignore
show me the path to take
been standing at crossroads far too long
make it stop, unwind the shock
rectify this ego, undo the deed
erase the hurt, remove the guilt
make it complete whole circle round
can’t wait for time, let’s heal
guilt trip to the past is what I need
hold me in your arms so tight
experience the warmth I once loved
this feeling is so nostalgic, keep it if i may
discard it at will, may I so?
get this done with, let’s finish it off
they say time heals all, they do
moving forward, walking fast
look back if i care; dare me to care.


An inappropriate song plays in the background. I feel inappropriate. I feel it all coming back to me today and I hate it. Hate you. Not sure if it’s hate or if it’s something that makes me feel like it’s hate. I hate that you ruin the best of my best days- days I look forward to, days I feel complete and amazing. I hate that you take that away from me. I feel as confused as my sentences seem right now. I’ve been standing at this cross-road for far too long- I’m tired, my stomach feels heavy and my legs feel weak- all the time. I often feel like it’s too much to take- as if it would be better if I could put an end to my misery some how. It’s burdening, uncomfortable and hurtful…I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t even know who I’m supposed to blame for this. I blame my sickness. I blame the fact that I can’t control it. I can’t control you. I can’t control how I feel. I want to stop feeling the way I’m feeling..and have been feeling for a long time. I want to be cured. I want to know what it feels like to be normal again. I feel like I don’t know what it’s like to be the way I used to be- the way people remember me; the way people still see me from the outside. They don’t know how much conflict resides in me behind the fa├žade. I hate being this angry all the time. I hate having this sickness. I wish I could get someone to wave a wand and figure this out for me. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I’d like that. 

 In the midst of all of this, I miss you but know that it’s not “you”- it’s “it”. I’m tired. I feel unstable. I feel labelled. I feel Borderline.