23

I’m 23 years old. I’m a final year psychology major. I have my whole life ahead of me. But why do I feel like it’s slipping out of my hands so fast? Why can’t I get up and do the things that I want to do? Why do I feel something heavy pulling me down? Why do I feel so anxious?

I’m scared of ageing. I feel as if I already have. I feel the lines on my face although they’re not there. I sense the lethargy and pessimism that I hear accompanies old age. I already experience guilt for things left undone and words left unsaid. I pray to God to somehow turn back time so that I can relive the good times.

I’m only 23.

I’m single- looking for companionship; feeling the sense of loneliness that my grandmother says she experiences as a widow. The society I live in doesn’t really help my case. There are things people don’t know and will hopefully never know about me. My fear rests in the fear itself of these things being made public. I’m unhappy. I feel it. I’ve been in therapy for more than a year- somedays are good and somedays aren’t. I’m 23 and I’m tired. Exhausted actually. Physically, emotionally….spiritually empty..but in Spite of that, Thoughts overspill in my brain. They don’t seem to stop. They can’t stop. I try to make them stop but they don’t.

I’m also fixated. Fixated on a person who broke me while I was trying to fix him. I was 21. Ambitious to fix, eager to love and be loved back. I was good. Good was until I was used and abused and thrown aside. 2 years passed, and I’m still standing in a place I expected myself to have long left behind. Waiting? In a way yes. Hoping? Definitely. Regretting? Unfortunately.

I’m 23 and life hasn’t ever seemed this bleak. My misery makes me miserable. ‘Don’t tell me our youth is running out- its only just begun’ plays in the background. Ironic.

There’s not much to say. I’ve been trying for so long but on days such as today, I feel the weight on my shoulders- on my heart. My hands give in to compulsions as they pull at my beautiful hair- I want to stop. I’d like to be better again.

I’m 23. Hoping to get better.