Metastasis

Day 2:

I feel….I don’t know how I feel actually. It’s a whirlpool of emotions; hard to identify and explain. More stable now; think things might be making more sense now. I’m not sure if I’m shocked or not…or in a state of shock…there’s something there; a thudding, vibrating pain of some sort, a constantly present elephant in every room, every corner I go to. I’d like it to leave but I don’t think that’s possible any more. I took the step of writing that letter this morning- it was hard. I guess, unlike what i’d previously thought, the third time isn’t a charm. Or whatever. Life must go on – despite the strong urge I’m experiencing to remain sitting here for the rest of it. I idealise myself to be consistently strong, but the weakness is hard to ignore. It’s something that I must develop. Something tells me that my mind might be over-exaggerating the situation; it may not be as bad as I might be construing it to be.

It’s a very “wish I didn’t know now, what I didn’t know then” sort of situation. It’s like a permanent scar that is going to remain with you all your life, whether or not things work out. This moment can’t be reversed; memories cannot be altered, emotions cannot be controlled and regrets cannot be rectified now. It’s a little too late. But all you can do it to wait it out, cope and…..carry on.