We are all so blessed

I’m very aware of the fact that most of my posts are negative and depressing- making me look like I’m always unhappy, ungrateful and often, mentally unwell. I probably am all of those things. But it’s days like this (days when I’m not PMS’ing lol) when I sit down and think about how amazing my life is- how I’d like to live this way forever. Sheltered, living with a lack of responsibilities, facing problems that are probably a fraction of what real life problems are like, living in a time and age when both my parents are alive and happy…and a feeling that tells me that my youth has just begun.

I don’t know how much longer I’ll get to live the luxury of following the routine of a student. Exams, sleeping and waking up late, socializing with friends during school, making fun of teachers, cramming last minute for final exams, taking part in student activities, chilling during a three month summer vacation and most of all, dreading going back to school after this long break. It passes by so fast, and has been doing so, that one doesn’t realize how it went by. I love the feeling of still being able to avoid responsibilities that I know I should be taking charge of; but I have an excuse: I’m young and don’t need to if I don’t want to. I can lay in my air conditioned room, watch Friends episodes all day, spend hours on Facebook without feeling like the pressure of life on my shoulders. I can rest against the softness of my pillow and write without a care in the world that I have an exam tomorrow morning.

I’m so lucky to have had ample opportunities all throughout my life and an amazing set of parents who’ve literally given their lives for my brother and I. I can’t imagine living without them. As much as I would like to explore the world on my own and be independent, in this very moment I’d like things to stay the way they are. I’d like my parents to never die or suffer in any way. I’d like to go to school everyday of my life. I’d like to have fights with my mom about late-night curfews. I’d like to get wasted at a club without caring how I old I am. Id like to preserve every inch of my youth and all the benefits that come along with it.

I graduate in 8 months or so. I’d very much like to slow things down and live like I’m never going to grow older and step into the real world. The real world scares me. It means change. It means that I’m way behind at this point in time. It means that I have to grow up. It means that I’ll never get this time back.
I love the way things are right now despite whatever other problems I go through. Doesn’t everyone have problems?

I’m so blessed. I have love, I have life, I have resources, I have intellect, I have health, I have enough money, I have education, I have friends, I have opportunities, I have memories, I have sense, I have family- I have the future.

My Attempts to Get into Your Mind

Got dressed up for you yesterday. Spent an hour doing my hair and makeup. Wore my sexiest bra. Wondered if my neckline was low enough. I wasn’t sure if you were going to be there but I did it anyway. That’s how much my thoughts about you control me. I accidentally messed up my hair and felt disheartened knowing I didn’t look the way I wanted to in front of you. I wonder if you noticed my effort. I wonder if you wished you had me back when you saw me. I wonder if you regretted doing what you did to me. I wonder if you wished you could turn back time.

I walked up to a group of people, not knowing that you’d be one of them. I didn’t know you’d come. You caught me off guard. I didn’t know what to say to you. I was awkward and angry- I hope you didn’t notice my insecurity as I waved past you to greet the next person. I hope I was able to mask my feelings well enough. I hope you were intimidated by this facade. I wonder if it bothered you. I wonder whether you were awkward too. Did you want to talk to me? Did you feel like I had the upper hand? Did it even matter to you?

I was standing outside. I knew you’d come to the same place soon. My friends were smoking. I don’t smoke. I wanted to prove something to you. I don’t know what it was. I wanted to show you I was stronger. I wanted to prove to you that I was more dominant. I wanted to show you how I’d changed. I wanted you to feel weaker. I took a cigarette and lit it- knowing I’d hate it. I felt in control though. You came. I tried my best to get you to notice what I was holding in my hand. I wanted it to bother you that i was smoking. I knew you hadn’t approved of it in the past. I hope it still did. I don’t know if you saw it or not. I hope you did. I hope you didn’t. You talked to other people around me the while that you were there. After a while you took my name and said good bye. I watched you walk away, the cigarette still burning in my hand. Did you notice? Did it work? Did you care?

I had imagined this scenario in my mind for a very long time. I’d imagined myself making you feel jealous watching me warm up to another guy. I’d imagined you feeling jealous and sad. Did you notice my attempts in doing so last night? Were you too busy with the lady friends you had by your side? Were you thinking about the girl who you’ve been serenading these days? The girl who isn’t me but who shares my name? Did you pity me in knowing that you’d moved on, thinking I didn’t have the slightest of idea? Or did you feel like I had won? I was hoping you felt the latter. I hope that you watched me and felt jealous that I was in my comfort zone. That the other guy wasn’t you anymore. That I had moved on. That I was good now. That I didn’t care about you anymore. I didn’t want to be the weak one. I never want to feel weak with you again. But do you even care about how I feel?

I probably won’t see you again for a long time. I hope I don’t. I probably won’t hear from you for a long time either. I think I prefer it that way. I’ll probably never know how much of an effect I had on your life and feelings last night. You’ll always be a foreign language to me. Incomprehensible.

I’ll probably keep guessing and wondering. Some things never change. Some dynamics remain the same.

The Girl With No Name

A stranger in the crowd walking past you. You don’t know her. You don’t know her dirty secrets. You have no judgments. You have no biases. To you she’s just another face in the crowd; another person just going about her life like you are. You don’t need to know her; you don’t need to know where she comes from, why she walks the way she does or looks at people the way she does. To you she’s faceless.

You’re at a club. Strobe lights glaze your eyes. The alcohol in your blood pumps you to another level. A stranger next to you dances her way all through the night. You don’t know her. You don’t know why she’s dancing the way she is. You don’t care who she dances with. You’re without judgement at amount of exposed skin you can see. You’re indifferent to the half-consumed glass of vodka in her hand. You turn to her and welcome her energy, accepting her fun-loving nature and free state of mind in that moment. You’re not labeling her in your mind. You’re not judging her actions. You’re not evaluating that guy’s hands around her waist as he holds her close to him. You don’t know how much appreciation you got that night.

She stands up and voices her differing opinion. She speaks her mind in the face of opposition. She realizes she’s in a minority. She knows she’s a woman. You watch as people pass looks. You watch as people whisper words of resentment and shock to each other. They don’t know her. She continues to speak- loud and clear. You don’t say a word. There’s no judgment in your mind. To you she’s a stranger. You listen to her words silently. You don’t agree. You listen. You think it’s bullshit. But to you she’s just another person with a another point of view. She finishes talking and takes her seat. You politely clap. You tell her you’re proud she had balls despite your differences.

You’re sitting in a bus. She’s merely a stranger to you. You see her lips moving as she recites a prayer. You realize she’s the same girl from the club that night- but this time she’s praying. You don’t know what she’s praying for; you don’t know what makes her pray; you don’t know who she’s praying to. You have no God. You obviously don’t share her belief. You don’t question the conflict between the two sides of her that you’ve seen. You don’t hold value judgements against her. You don’t challenge her conflicting practices. You don’t tell her she’s a traitor to her god. You watch as she sends love to her maker. You don’t wish to be like her but you don’t negate what she does. To you, what she had done in front of your eyes previously made her no different to what she was now in front of you. You assume that others from her faith would readily shun her if they knew. They’d call her a hypocrite. A non believer. A liar. But you appreciate her for who she is. You didn’t know it, but you gave her strength.

She’s mixed up. She’s out to live life. You didn’t know it but she was just a visitor. Temporary. Like yourself. You didn’t realize what your acceptance meant to her. You gave her solace and peace of mind- even if it was for that moment. You let her seek refuge from the pointing fingers and the glaring stares that she was used to. You still don’t know her- and probably never will. She doesn’t know you either. She doesn’t know what you did for her. But she knows that you were also just another face in the crowd that added to her comfort. If she knew you, she’d thank you for letting her be who she was- even if it was temporary….