Got dressed up for you yesterday. Spent an hour doing my hair and makeup. Wore my sexiest bra. Wondered if my neckline was low enough. I wasn’t sure if you were going to be there but I did it anyway. That’s how much my thoughts about you control me. I accidentally messed up my hair and felt disheartened knowing I didn’t look the way I wanted to in front of you. I wonder if you noticed my effort. I wonder if you wished you had me back when you saw me. I wonder if you regretted doing what you did to me. I wonder if you wished you could turn back time.
I walked up to a group of people, not knowing that you’d be one of them. I didn’t know you’d come. You caught me off guard. I didn’t know what to say to you. I was awkward and angry- I hope you didn’t notice my insecurity as I waved past you to greet the next person. I hope I was able to mask my feelings well enough. I hope you were intimidated by this facade. I wonder if it bothered you. I wonder whether you were awkward too. Did you want to talk to me? Did you feel like I had the upper hand? Did it even matter to you?
I was standing outside. I knew you’d come to the same place soon. My friends were smoking. I don’t smoke. I wanted to prove something to you. I don’t know what it was. I wanted to show you I was stronger. I wanted to prove to you that I was more dominant. I wanted to show you how I’d changed. I wanted you to feel weaker. I took a cigarette and lit it- knowing I’d hate it. I felt in control though. You came. I tried my best to get you to notice what I was holding in my hand. I wanted it to bother you that i was smoking. I knew you hadn’t approved of it in the past. I hope it still did. I don’t know if you saw it or not. I hope you did. I hope you didn’t. You talked to other people around me the while that you were there. After a while you took my name and said good bye. I watched you walk away, the cigarette still burning in my hand. Did you notice? Did it work? Did you care?
I had imagined this scenario in my mind for a very long time. I’d imagined myself making you feel jealous watching me warm up to another guy. I’d imagined you feeling jealous and sad. Did you notice my attempts in doing so last night? Were you too busy with the lady friends you had by your side? Were you thinking about the girl who you’ve been serenading these days? The girl who isn’t me but who shares my name? Did you pity me in knowing that you’d moved on, thinking I didn’t have the slightest of idea? Or did you feel like I had won? I was hoping you felt the latter. I hope that you watched me and felt jealous that I was in my comfort zone. That the other guy wasn’t you anymore. That I had moved on. That I was good now. That I didn’t care about you anymore. I didn’t want to be the weak one. I never want to feel weak with you again. But do you even care about how I feel?
I probably won’t see you again for a long time. I hope I don’t. I probably won’t hear from you for a long time either. I think I prefer it that way. I’ll probably never know how much of an effect I had on your life and feelings last night. You’ll always be a foreign language to me. Incomprehensible.
I’ll probably keep guessing and wondering. Some things never change. Some dynamics remain the same.